Hey y'all everybody! I'm finally back after a long period of self-isolation. I was supposed to do this in the form of a vlog, but sad to say, I don't have my gear with me (Hooray broke amateur photographer/out of school youth). Sooo... Here goes nothing ☺
Let's face it. Being a Christian is no walk in the park. Well, it could be one if that park was some sort of leveled up Jurassic Park. Haha! Kidding aside, living life in Christ is no joke. It's probably even more toxic than the toxicity of a nurse's night shift job in a public hospital. We all know that trials, persecution, and all of that stuff is part of the package deal that we chose to live by. But some parts of the package deal wouldn't be quite as expected as compared to the other "expected" ones.
What I'm talking about here is the oppression of Christians who are supposed to guide you along your journey. Probably 'oppression' isn't the proper word to use, but that's all I could think of (my vocabulary's not at all that large).
To clarify, let me tell you my story:
Mental Illnesses, Thoughts, and Life
I had always been going through a lot of lethargic moments even as a child, but last year, the occurrence was just crazy. I would feel lethargic day in and day out, I would be at a loss of breath at all times, I would have no drive to do anything at all, and at all times, my mind seemed to have been separated from my body at all times. Since I didn't understand what I was happening to my body (as I had not been clinically diagnosed with several mental illnesses just yet), I decided to tell a number of trusted friends and mentors my concerns. All those thoughts I was having, like suicide, murder, and such, I told them all. I didn't know what I was thinking when I told them all that I felt. I didn't know what I was thinking when I decided to tell them [almost] everything as I already knew what they would say. They were also Christians belonging to the same organisation as I am, so basically, we share the common knowledge of stuff.
They often told me that "Jesus is the answer", or "Always look up to Christ. He knows what to do.", and often throw me verses like Jeremiah 29:11, Matthew 6:25-34, Psalm 34:4, 1 Peter 5:7, John 14:27, and quotes like "No one can pray and worry at the same time."(Max Lucado), and "Worry is the sin of distrusting the promise and providence of God, and yet it is a sin that Christians commit perhaps more frequently than any other" (John MacArthur). They often give me answers I already know, and have expected from them, but all they gave were answers. They never asked me what my question was. Moreover, I was too overwhelmed by all these answers they were giving me, that I, myself, have forgotten the question. All they told me were things I already knew, but I still don't know what was lacking. I pray everyday. I have devotions everyday. Despite all those, there's something wrong. I felt extremely oppressed and neglected because it appeared to me that they were not listening to the details at all.
Since I was all at a loss of... well... everything perceivable to me, I did my best not to feel the things I felt. All those verses they reminded me, I applied in my life. I did my best not to worry and do all the things a Christian would do. I felt as if I was not allowed to feel all the things I felt because I was a Christian. If you remember in one of my previous posts, I wrote something like I shouldn't feel the way I feel because I'm a Christian. It's not something that's normal.
When I talked to one of my mentors about this concern of mine, she told me that I should have my condition checked. But I refused, and said "I can do this. I have the Lord with me". But as how things turned out, all I knew, and all these answers they were giving, were never explained to me. I thought I understood, but I was wrong. I thought invalidating my feelings was the right thing to do as I have the Lord with me, but it wasn't the wisest decision after all. I had take so much time and energy to figure this out on my own because getting answers for the wrong question isn't an easy code to decipher.
I was enclosed in this idea that Christians shouldn't feel terrible as the Lord said "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (Luke 12:25), and "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you.Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14:27). All I thought of was wrong. If you ask me, I still can't understand what these meant, but all I know is that God doesn't want you to invalidate all you feel just because you're "in Him".
As cliché as it may sound, He wants you to lay it down to Him, and surrender it all. But you have to remember that this doesn't mean you have to invalidate everything you're feeling. It's just too hard to explain something so abstract.
I don't know if you learned anything from what I have shared, but I hope you did. I will be posting something related to this soon enough (I hope). ☺♥
More to come from this radical Christian in the times to come. ♥
Comment down below the ways I may be able to pray for you ☺
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